


Hold Onto This Lullaby

by Psyche or like scope (Daiya_Darko)



Category: The Losers (2010)
Genre: Forced Bonding, Implied Torture, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-06
Updated: 2013-01-06
Packaged: 2017-11-23 21:47:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/626857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daiya_Darko/pseuds/Psyche%20or%20like%20scope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being strong for someone else is the hardest challenge Cougar has ever had to face.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold Onto This Lullaby

Nothing could have prepared Cougar for this. No training by the U.S. Government or private companies could have given him the skills for handling this.

Detainment he could do. He sat around, refused to speak, and took a beating here and there. Overall, not too bad. Afghanistan was hard to come back from, but he did it.

Caring for Jensen is a whole different matter.

_When they were captured, they were immediately separated, and Cougar fought harder to get free. Jensen had never been taken in before, never worried about being a hostage. He was headstrong, carefree, but smart. “I’ve got a plan for everything,” Jensen boasted. “You can’t catch me off-guard.”_

_And then they did something to him, but what they did, Cougar couldn’t figure out._

_He had been in this dark, damp cell for at least two weeks, and it seemed as though backup was just a faint hope. Two weeks, and the only interaction he was met with was being given a blanket, a basket of bread, and a cup of water. Cougar ate modestly; he had no idea when his next meal would arrive, after all._

_Being in the dark alone wasn’t so bad. Sure it was cold, but he could handle the isolation. Isolation was always better than being in a room being tortured._

_It was Jensen who was the social butterfly. If he was in similar conditions, there’d be no doubt that Jensen wasn’t handling it well._

_A month passed of radio silence, and then the door opened and a body was dumped carelessly on the ground. His voice rough from a lack of use, Cougar called out, “Jensen?”_

_The body shivered and crawled to its feet. There was no way to tell in this darkness if it was Jensen, but when it came crawling toward Cougar and clung to his waist, he knew._

_This was Jensen, or what was left of him._

_Cougar panicked as he checked Jensen over for injuries. He frantically tried to get information out of him, but his mouth was covered in metal. Jensen let out a low whimper as he pawed at Cougar for warmth, comfort, anything to ground him after a month of torture._

_“Vato,” Cougar whispered as he gently touched Jensen’s cheek. “Why would they do this to you?”_

_Jensen tried to speak, but all that came out was a low, strangled, cry. Cougar held him close, rubbing his back until he calmed down and fell asleep._

_And so began the hardest six months Cougar had ever underwent._

_It was nice having another source of heat, but Jensen fretfully turned and cried in his sleep, causing Cougar to wake at all hours of the night (day?) in confusion. He was helpless to comfort Jensen, except to sing soft lullabies in Spanish and scratch his head. Jensen really liked that, and Cougar liked seeing Jensen at peace, even if it only lasted maybe an hour at most._

_“Este niño lindo, se quiere dormi, y el pícaro sueño no quiere venir,” Cougar sang._ This pretty baby wants to sleep, but the naughty sleep doesn't want to come.

_It wasn’t until about half way through their imprisonment that Cougar realized how scared Jensen must be. Unable to speak, unable to see, and in constant pain…_

_Cougar shivered and held Jensen closer._

_“It’s going to be okay, mi vida,” Cougar soothed as Jensen curled further into his side. “We’re gonna get out of here. Trust me.” But Cougar barely trusted himself. He was only just keeping it together, and only for the sake of Jensen. One of them had to stay strong and alert; in this case, the burden fell to Cougar._

_Only it didn’t feel like a burden; it felt like a privilege. He was finally being allowed to take care of someone, someone who blindly entrusted their life to him. Perhaps Jensen had no choice, but he had not yet refused Cougar’s comforting words of encouragement or gentle touches._

_After what felt like an eternity, two men came and dragged Jensen away. He weakly tried to fend them off, and Cougar unsteadily rose to his feet to throw a punch, but he was hit with a powerful electric shock and collapsed into the familiar darkness._

_When he awoke, Jensen had not yet returned. Angered, Cougar screamed and pounded on the door until someone came in and shot him with a tranquilizer. Cougar didn’t want sleep; he wanted answers and dammit, he wanted Jensen._

_When Jensen returned, the wires were gone, but his vision was still poor. He felt along the walls, croaking out, “Cougar?”_

_“Jake!” Cougar shot up and quickly guided him to their blanketed corner._

_“Jake, mi vida, what happened?”_

_Jensen’s laugh was empty as he replied, “They got tired of my jokes and broke my jaw.”_

_“What else?_

_Jensen fell silent, opting to bury his face in Cougar’s shirt until the shaking subsided._

_Cougar decided not to ask again._

_Soon after Jensen’s return, they were both drugged and dragged out of their cells. It was the first time either of them had seen light, and so they squinted, unable to properly inspect their surroundings._

_Cougar was vaguely aware that his clothes were now missing and that Jensen’s were as well, but he shrugged it off. People in positions of powers always stripped the weaker ones. This was just a powerplay; nothing more, nothing less._

_And then Cougar saw the red, blinking light of a camcorder._

_A man’s voice rambled off a list of demands in a thick accent, but Cougar couldn’t place it. He nudged Jensen, trying to wake him, but Jensen only groaned and rolled onto his stomach._

_“Now you will see what we do with nosy U.S. military,” the man said, and quiet chuckles came from all around. Cougar quickly blinked his eyes, forcing himself to adjust to the light, and started to sit up. As he was, he was jabbed with a needle and held down as the plunger was depressed._

_“What is that?” Cougar demanded. “What did you give him?” He nodded towards Jensen, who moaned and writhed where lay._

_“Just something to make this go a little easier for both of you. You should be so thankful,” the man warned, and pulled Cougar to his knees by his hair. Before Cougar could snarl or resist, the man’s hand wrapped around his exposed cock and began stroking him. Cougar’s voice choked in his throat as he watched with horror himself become aroused._

This is power play, _he told himself._ Nothing more, nothing less. _Cougar watched as another man positioned Jensen, ass in the air facing Cougar. He swallowed, trying to figure out what they gave him to make him grow so hard so quickly. It had to be hormones of some sort, and Cougar hoped they’d wear out of his system quickly._

_“Jake,” Cougar whispered, but Jensen just moaned faintly and continued to wriggle uncomfortably on the ground._

_Cougar was then shoved toward him, his cock being guided by a foreign hand. He closed his eyes and bit his lip, praying for it to be over soon._

_When they were brought back to their cell, Jensen was unconscious, and Cougar felt an overwhelming sense of shame. He fought with himself, struggling to make sense of it all. He couldn’t really blame himself, given their situation. These are men with personal vendettas against the U.S. and Cougar and Jensen just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time._

_That did nothing to alleviate his guilt, and Cougar crawled across the cell to puke in a corner. He climbed to his feet and stuck his face between the cold bars. The cold, mountain air assaulted his sinuses, but Cougar inhaled deeply until he was sure he wouldn’t cry._

_Jensen wouldn’t hate him, and that’s what made it worse._

_Nine months after that, they sat._

_Six months of winter, with mostly dark skies and cold winds blowing through the small, barred window of their cell._

_Seven months and Cougar began to forget his ID number. He started chanting his name, rank, and number in an effort to remember who he was, but soon sevens became sixes, or were they nines?_

_Cougar shook the confusing numbers from his mind and tried to focus on Jensen, who had developed a cough._

_“Jake?” Cougar fretted. He couldn’t see the color of the phlegm Jensen was coughing up, but he betted it was green and possibly red. All he could do was feed him sips of water and bread, hoping to keep his stomach from growing aggravated._

_“We’re not gonna make it out, Cougs,” Jensen whispered one night, hand entwined with Cougar’s. “We’re gonna die here and no one will know.”_

_“No, hush,” Cougar scolded. He didn’t want to think that, couldn’t allow himself to think of such defeat. “Remember you are stronger than that.”_

_Jensen turned his head and let out a deep, congested cough. “Sing?”_

_Cougar sighed and ran his hands over Jensen’s hair. “Arrorró mi niño, arrorró mi sol, arrorró pedazo, de mi corazón. Este lindo niño se quiere dormir...cierra los ojitos y los vuelve a abrir.”_ Hush-a-bye my baby, hush-a-bye my sun, hush-a-bye oh piece of my heart. This lovely baby wants to sleep he closes his eyes and opens them again. _Jake drifted into a restful sleep, the first, Cougar thought, since they first arrived here._

The days begin to show again with summer now, as light trickles through the bars and illuminate the previously unlit cell. The temperatures begin to warm, but there remains a chilly dampness in the air that only worsens Jake’s cough. With the new light, Cougar can see just how bad his friend looks.

Scars from the oral surgery trace Jensen’s jaw, his skin ghostly pale and damp with sweat. Cougar knows Jake won’t last much longer at this rate, but they have no other options. With a great hesitancy, Cougar tucks the blanket around Jensen and crawls to the door. With a few bangs, it swings open. Cougar stumbles back, bracing for the inevitable rifle butt, yet it never comes. Opening his eyes, Cougar realizes that there is no one there, no one guarding his cell. Tentatively, he peeks his head through the door way and calls out, “Hello?”

His only answer is an echo.

“Cougar?” Jensen asks weakly. “Where are you?” Jensen hasn’t been able to open his eyes, the new light too painful and his energy drained as it is, so he feebly depends on Cougar’s presence to reassure him.

“Hush, mi vida,” Cougar whispers. “I’ll be back.” Cougar ignores Jensen’s protests, wincing at the coughing fit it sends him into. He’s the only one with any strength left; he can fight off maybe one or two guards, but he has to do something, has to get Jensen help.

He doesn’t even care about escaping or rescue anymore; Cougar just wants Jensen to survive.

At the ends of the hallway, Cougar comes to a large steel door. With a gentle shove, it swings open and Cougar’s senses are flooded with fresh, spring air and sunlight.

“Ay dios mio,” Cougar mumbles, unaware of the tears now streaming down his face. He falls to his knees and crosses himself, muttering a quick prayer.

* * *

 

They’re free, but how long had they been that way?

In D.C., they’re given awards and commendations, praises heaped upon praises for surviving even when their own government had given up on them. Cougar smiles, nods, shakes hands, and follows through the formalities, but they’re empty. These men, covered in brass and ribbons, abandoned him and Jensen.

Apparently, their captors had packed up and left soon after the sex incident, but left them alone. They had sent a video and coordinates to the Pentagon, but perhaps the men up top had decided Jensen and Cougar were beyond saving.

Cougar can see the disgust and pity in these men’s eyes when he looks at them. It makes him sick.

Cougar excuses himself to the bathroom and heaves up all the heavy food he’s been given. Keeping things down has been an issue when he even has an appetite. After subsisting so long on bread and water, steak and lobster dinners are far too much.

“Cougar?” Jensen’s voice calls from outside the stall. Cougar looks up and smiles softly. “Don’t worry; I’m just still readjusting.”

“Ha, yeah, same.” Jensen’s eyes fall to the floor as he wraps his arms around himself, still imaging the familiar cold. “I never thanked you.”

“You shouldn’t thank me, Jake,” Carlos grumbles. “I hurt you.”

“That wasn’t your fault,” Jensen says quietly. “You took care of me when I was hurt, when I was sick, and even after that. You didn’t discard me like some piece of used trash. You got us out of there.” Jensen buries his face in Cougar’s hair and inhales the familiar scent that got him through so many hard nights.

Slowly, Cougar pulls Jensen into an embrace and allows himself to enjoy this. This is the first time they’ve been so close since returning to the States. The trip back had been long and convoluted, with medical teams trying to separate the two. After Cougar almost stabbing someone, they allowed him to remain close to Jensen every step of the way. Jensen had taken to sharing a hotel room and bed with him, the fear of being alone again overwhelming him to the point of having panic attacks.

No one even began to question Jensen quietly slipping out of the meeting to follow Cougar to the bathroom.

“Jensen, we don’t have to talk about what happened; we’re going to be doing that all week with people who will never understand what we’ve been through. But if you ever want to…”

Jensen nodded. “Yeah, I get ya. I just…” Suddenly his entire body is shaking, and Cougar pulls him further into the stall to shut the door. He sits on the toilet and pulls Jake onto his lap, holding him as he cries. Cougar understands; getting the words out, having to remember makes talking about it even harder.

When they return to the meeting, Jensen red-faced and teary, no one comments on how long they’ve been gone or the stains on Cougar’s suit jacket.

Cougar sends a silent prayer as thanks for small miracles.

Meeting with the government-appointed counselors for trauma and hostage situations is the hardest. These people with their clean nails and full bellies have never known of any sort of hardship; how can they be expected to understand what Cougar and Jensen went through?

More than once, Cougar begins yelling when they push Jensen for details, even when it’s clear he’s not ready to talk about what happened.

Cougar goes to Clay, demanding he post-pone the psych evals for at least another week.

“Cougar, we just want to get it out of the way as soon as possible. The sooner you two are cleared, the sooner you can return to work.” Clay tries tiredly to explain.

“Return to work for the bastards who left us?” Cougar spits, and he fixes Clay with a deadly glare.

Clay’s shoulders drop in resignation as he drags a slow hand across his face. “Yeah, okay, I’ll get them to back off.”

* * *

 

Cougar smiles and tips his hat, turning to leave.

When Jake is ready, when he’s able to tell Clay what happened without a waver in his voice, Cougar takes him to the therapists. They’re cleared for duty, which Cougar knew would happen. They’re soldiers; they don’t have time to sit around and wait for these wounds to heal.

Bringing the team back together, the tension is awkward as everyone tries to silently identify what might trigger either or both of them into a state of panic. Pooch begins joking with Jake again, carefully keeping his hands to himself.

Everyone gives them space after remembering what Cougar was like when he returned from Afghanistan. The sniper had refused to sleep in the same room as everyone else, opting for raised ground and one eye open as he rested. When Roque had slapped his back playfully, Cougar almost stabbed him with his own knife.

“Give the PTSD victims space” was what the therapist said, but it didn’t click until they all had to tackle Cougar to the floor as he relentlessly pursued Roque, trying to kill him.

Now, they’re prepared. They go about work as usual, Jensen trying to break his need to be close to Cougar at all times, but always staying in the same room unless absolutely necessary. Cougar says nothing, just gives him a reassuring glance from time to time. _Yes, we are safe. These are our friends, mi vida, they will not hurt us._

Jensen always gives a curt nod and returns his focus to his computers. Cougar keeps an eye on him, even as he cleans his rifles and takes inventory of their ammunitions. When he hears Jensen’s yelp from the other room, he springs into action, aiming his Glock ahead of him.

Jensen’s curled into himself, Roque looking confused.

“I just had grab something from behind him,” He explains quickly, raising his hands in submission. Cougar growls and motions with his gun for Roque to back away slowly. Roque nods, turning to leave, cursing under his breath. Cougar approached Jensen, but stopped just short of his desk. He crouches and whispers, “Jake, it’s okay.”

Jensen lifts his head from his arms and blinks back scared tears. “He came up on me, Cougs. I didn’t know he was there. I was just working and I didn’t notice him coming and he came and then I felt someone touch my shoulder but I didn’t see him and he was there and god…” Jensen rambles before finally sighing. “I just can’t do surprises.”

“Well there go my plans for a surprise party for you.”

Almost shocked by Cougar cracking a joke, Jensen laughs and wipes his face. “Yeah, I guess that throws a wet blanket on our fiesta.”

Cougar smiles, reaching a hand up to Jensen’s face to stroke his cheek. “Remember where you are. When you get scared, look around and name everything you can see. Say what you know about where you are. It’ll help calm you and ground you in the present.” Cougar stands and bends down to kiss Jensen’s forehead.

“Thanks, Cougar,” Jensen blushes. “Are you sure you’re okay with living together? I don’t want to intrude or bring bad memories to you. I can always move back in with my sister – “

“Jake,” Cougar cuts off. “Do you know what ‘mi vida’ means?”

“My life? I thought all this time you’ve just been really thankful to have me.”

Cougar snorts. “I have, but that’s not what I mean when I say it. It means ‘my darling.’”

Jensen groans and playfully shoves his chair away. “Gross, Cougs. Don’t baby me.”

Cougar rolls his eyes, but ruffles Jensen’s hair. “I like to baby you. You need it since you’re so hard headed.”

“I am not!” Jensen begins with a protest, but it’s cut off by Cougar’s lips covering his own. He leans into kiss eagerly, gripping at Cougar’s arms for support, and Cougar can’t help the moan that escapes him.

“Jake,” Cougar says breathlessly. “You are not a burden to me. You are not a bad memory. It was not easy, but the only thing that kept it from being hell was having you there with me. I want you to stay with me.”

“I think that’s the most I’ve ever heard you say, Cougs.”

“I’m glad to see you’re back.” Cougar grins and gives Jensen one more kiss before walking away.

Those terrorists might have taken everything from him, but they gave him Jensen, and that’s all he can be thankful for.

**Author's Note:**

> Fic inspired by the song "Safe & Sound" by Taylor Swift and The Civil Wars, and also where the title comes from.
> 
> The lullabies sung are:  
> A lo roro nino: http://www.mamalisa.com/?t=es&p=3360&c=50  
> Arrorro mi nino: http://www.mamalisa.com/?lang=Spanish&t=es&p=3362


End file.
